Immortal Beloved

Last night I watched the movie Immortal Beloved, which I had not seen before, about the life of Beethoven. Beethoven's music is the entire soundtrack. I haven't listened to it for years. The music carried me away; it took me to a place I have not visited for years, of cataclysmic sadness, grief, and yearning.… Continue reading Immortal Beloved

What was Our Journey About, Anyway?

Why did we go on that long trip? Were we running from our grief? That was part of our reason for going. Lately I started to understand the reasons better. Immediately after we returned, I wrote out the facts and events that happened along the way, but somehow it didn't make sense. It seemed disconnected from the… Continue reading What was Our Journey About, Anyway?

Angels Run

Weak sunlight skimmed across the vacant four-lane Antelope Valley Freeway in the fading afternoon light. Every rock and pebble on the dry roadway cast a long shadow toward the northeast as the sun slipped into the red-brown smoggy haze above the mountains along the southwest horizon. No truck tires whined in the distance and no… Continue reading Angels Run

I can’t remain silent here.

Trump and his minions, his thuggish followers, and his mindless adherents stir up ugly thoughts when I see their mob actions in the news. One part of me wants to turns away and ignore them, to act as if this was not happening, and to focus on calm, pleasant thoughts and ideas. People I know… Continue reading I can’t remain silent here.

Buried History

A simple tombstone shows the numbers of two lives. Allen O. and Mary Lee Stockton were my mother's grandparents. He died in 1933, and she died five years later, in 1938. Widows commonly outlived their husbands, then and now. The story beneath the tombstone is far more intriguing. Their oldest son Martin died in 1903,… Continue reading Buried History

Zoom zoom zoom…

Out of the rubble of daily life as we knew it, something new is emerging. In my former life as a techie, I spent about twenty years off and on, working and managing technical writing projects online. Most of that time I was at AT&T, a place you'd expect to support remote work, given that… Continue reading Zoom zoom zoom…

The Chief Justice’s Nephew

I met Larry at the office, at Control Data where we both worked. I don't remember the exact circumstances. Youthful, clean-cut, pin-striped, and moustached, Larry represented the very image of corporate marketing and sales—exactly where he worked at CDC, and somewhat the opposite of my bearded and shabby self. I do remember one of the… Continue reading The Chief Justice’s Nephew

On Grief

A friend's husband died early this morning from dementia. It's not sudden or unexpected. In our adult years, the death of a friend, or an acquaintance, or a loved family member often comes out of nowhere. Dementia is slow death, giving you plenty of time to imagine how it will happen. I've had both experiences.… Continue reading On Grief

The media

The news services still exist, all over the world, primarily dedicated to reporting on events, exposing corruption where it occurs (even in media organizations), and unmasking official falsehoods. They raise a voice against officialdom, when the official story runs away from the truth. They have the power to speak for people whose voices are ignored… Continue reading The media

Revelation?

Yesterday, a friend died of cancer in the afternoon. In the evening I started playing Mozart's Requiem to reflect on it, and as I heard the Introitus something happened. Most of my life I have been a firm skeptic, a rationalist, a nonbeliever in transcendental realities. I felt that and asserted it. In one moment, the… Continue reading Revelation?

Wanted: Readers

Everything is locked down, I don't go anywhere to write about, nobody visits, and so on. Boring. True, but necessary, right? What does that facilitate? Writing and editing. Been doing that. A lot. Now, however, I've officially run out of writing and editing to do. It's done. The book, a.k.a. Incorrigible, a.k.a. Mirror Lake, emerged… Continue reading Wanted: Readers

Choices

A young friend of mine—not so young, really, he's in his 50s by now—recently raised a question in one of his posts about the pandemic: "Consider the tragic fact that some, perhaps the larger percentage, of the Covid-19 deaths, took ZERO responsibility for their own health and well-being during their lives. There are always convenient… Continue reading Choices

Love in the Time of Virulence

In December, no one outside of China or the CIA knew what was brewing. I ventured north to Bethlehem, Pennsylvania for a cross-country race. I made a wrong turn on the course and got disqualified. My reward for the trip was helping my club with logistics ... and muddy shoes. The next day I met… Continue reading Love in the Time of Virulence

Isolation and Travel

Traveling is an invigorating tonic. I'm fixing toast in the kitchen when suddenly, in my mind I am driving down a remote road in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, as I did last fall. I see the trees rushing past, I hear the wind rocking my camper, and I feel as if I'm there. The memories take… Continue reading Isolation and Travel

Healing Voices (2 of 2)

He stared out the window at a black December sky, and watched rain swirl down onto roofs below, run in streams into choked gutters and spill over in sheets to the sidewalk below, backlit by the city lights, its shimmering reflections the only visual relief from dark night. How easy it would be, to give… Continue reading Healing Voices (2 of 2)

Healing Voices (1 of 2)

The New Jersey Theatre Alliance partners with several of its member theatres each year to produce Healing Voices: Caregivers' Stories On Stage, a presentation of playwriting, poetry, and prose that portrays the experience of caregivers—people who devote their time, resources, energy, and love to care for others who suffer from debilitating illness. Often their experiences… Continue reading Healing Voices (1 of 2)

Snow sport

How many adrenaline sports can a man in his seventies engage in? Tennis? I barely know which end of a racket to hold. Whitewater kayaking? Maybe, when it's springtime. Paintball? Come on. Skydiving? Right. If I keep my helmet on and don't fall out of the chairlift, at worst I might break a leg skiing.… Continue reading Snow sport

Dreams of Summer

Fort Wilkins State Park, Michigan A long, long time ago it seems, I dimly remember gliding in my kayak across a mirror-smooth lake at sunset. I arrived in Michigan's Upper Peninsula in mid-September, just as that northern land began its transition to Fall. That trip began in August, near the southern end of Michigan's western… Continue reading Dreams of Summer

I still have a dream

The words of Martin Luther King, in his famous speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial (listen here) ring out from the past to inspire us. We can't let the antics of a petty and destructive would-be tyrant cloud our vision of the future. As Abraham Lincoln said: "It is rather for us to… Continue reading I still have a dream

Summer Vacation —1

I don't usually jump into a road trip of  unknown duration and a couple thousand miles with a woman I barely know. Well, never until last summer. Since my wife died, that's how life has gone. Gradually, over a span of ten years, my old life dwindled and shrank, until its desiccated husk blew away, gone… Continue reading Summer Vacation —1

Slow Dancing with a Stranger

I have just begun reading a book by Meryl Comer about her life caring for her husband, who had early-onset Alzheimer's disease. It offers an intimate look at the process of discovery of the disease, its progress toward dementia, and the life of caregiving. It is heartbreaking and informative. I have not finished it yet,… Continue reading Slow Dancing with a Stranger

On Writing

Everyone says Stephen King's book On Writing is the best book about writing there is. To be honest, I was a bit skeptical. Why? Because I don't especially like his horror books. They are fantastic, far-fetched, and the characters are a little on the comic book side. That said, it's typical for the genre. And… Continue reading On Writing

Too Disruptive?

Students swarm field at Harvard-Yale football game, chant ‘OK boomer’ in climate change protest BRAVO!I have seen and heard this all before, in 1964 in Berkeley.Let the unthinking establishmentarians bitch all they want about disruptive tactics, while I quote the most famous speech of the Free Speech Movement: "There's a time when the operation of… Continue reading Too Disruptive?

Why Us?

Why did we stay together in the face of conflict? No simple answer comes to mind. We both were loners, outsiders in most situations, and exceptionally intelligent. Once, Diane’s first love Bob told her years afterward, “You were too smart for me. We'd have ended up killing each other.” Diane’s life experience kept her from… Continue reading Why Us?

Alaska

Alaska—remote, mystical wilderness—home to glaciers, caribou, brown bears, dogsleds, Inuit people… Diane and I both felt the magnetic pull of that place. In Seattle, we read descriptions of our city as the jumping-off point to the Alaska wilderness, and we felt we were almost there. One Fall morning, we watched a newly-launched crab boat depart… Continue reading Alaska

On the Road in Michigan

Heading south from Copper Harbor, Michigan, I stopped in hazy afternoon sunlight in a small town near Ironwood. I walked Heidi, as I do whenever I stop, then moseyed over to a one-calendar hole-in-the-wall bakery and coffee shop (William Least Heat Moon in Blue Highways invented the calendar rating system for small town cafes), where… Continue reading On the Road in Michigan

Re-Westernization

I'm going to reach back into the past here, to provide some context. Now, bear in mind I was born in Washington state, and grew up in California. That's as West as it gets, not counting Hawaii and Alaska. But I didn't strongly identify with the West after moving to New Jersey, although I did… Continue reading Re-Westernization

Rewrite

I have deliberately stayed away from my latest draft, letting life percolate through my awareness. A few people have given me cogent comments about it, and I have digested them in preparation for the next rewrite. Today I begin. The first step is to go through every paragraph, tagging each one according to what event… Continue reading Rewrite

The first three states are the hardest

Traveling west  through Pennsylvania ranks low on my list of favorites. Three hundred plus miles of PA Turnpike or Interstate 80 gets you across the Ohio border, rattled by potholes, hundreds of passing tractor-trailers,  narrow defiles created by construction projects, and various other obstacles. Having endured this gauntlet several times, each new iteration finds me… Continue reading The first three states are the hardest

Commitment

You might wonder why we stayed together in the face of such conflict and infidelity. No simple answer comes to mind. We both were loners, outsiders in most situations, and extremely intelligent. Diane’s life experience set her apart from those who had never faced so much difficulty. My own life was marked not by struggle… Continue reading Commitment

I Never Listen to Podcasts

Mike Allen, at online news site Axios, posts about "peak podcasts." Remember peak oil? He quotes Jennifer Miller in a New York Times article about the number of podcasts and how quickly they fade. The "frequency with which podcasts start (and then end, or 'podfade,' as it’s coming to be known in the trade) has… Continue reading I Never Listen to Podcasts

Neil Armstrong’s Spacesuit

I just heard a story on NPR about the space suit that Neil Armstrong wore on the moon. Never intended to last more than 6 months, the suit has lasted 50 years, although it has deteriorated. After some restoration, it is now back on the exhibit at the National Air and Space Museum. I want… Continue reading Neil Armstrong’s Spacesuit

Signs of dementia for family members to notice – The Washington Post

A brief discussion of behaviors that may indicate dementia, including fronto-temporal dementia and Alzheimer’s dementia. https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/well-that-was-a-weird-moment-and-other-signs-of-dementia-family-members-should-watch-for/2019/07/12/71fab37a-820c-11e9-bce7-40b4105f7ca0_story.html

Rebuilding my Life

Spend fifty years in close quarters with another person, sleeping together by night, cooperating, conflicting, cajoling, shouting, listening, working, and playing together by day, then one day they're gone. My whole life was built around Diane and us and our two daughters. It all collapsed. Sixty-five years of cigarette smoke and other excesses blew her… Continue reading Rebuilding my Life

Another day, another edit

At the start of this week I began yet another edit of the book to tighten up the story line, expunge more than a few awkward phrases, and generally improve a reader's experience. This time, I printed the whole draft so I could work with a pen and paper. Nothing clarifies errors like seeing them… Continue reading Another day, another edit

Steadfast and True

Each week I attend an Alzheimer's support group, along with about fifteen other spouses of husbands and wives with dementia. Many of us share the same stories. As new people come into the group, they ask the same questions we once asked, seeking advice and hope. We all learn eventually that the best we can… Continue reading Steadfast and True

Hello, World!

When I was learning to program computers, way, way back when things were very different, your very first program was called Hello World. If you succeeded, that phrase would display on whatever device you were using for your output: CRT, teletype, console, whatever. If I'm successful this time, Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn should all light… Continue reading Hello, World!

A new stage in life

While Diane was alive, I kept myself in good physical condition for two reasons. First, I knew I would have to be in good health to give her the care she would need. I had gradually assumed more and more of the role of caregiver as her health problems multiplied, starting with autoimmune disease in… Continue reading A new stage in life

Who Am I? What is This All About?

Well, that's a long story. I hope to bring it to you in a way you'll enjoy. The impetus for this blog began in 2018, when my wife Diane left this world after a prolonged struggle with vascular dementia and Alzheimer's disease. I cared for her at home full-time for the last six years of… Continue reading Who Am I? What is This All About?