Buried History

A simple tombstone shows the numbers of two lives. Allen O. and Mary Lee Stockton were my mother's grandparents. He died in 1933, and she died five years later, in 1938. Widows commonly outlived their husbands, then and now. The story beneath the tombstone is far more intriguing. Their oldest son Martin died in 1903,… Continue reading Buried History

Zoom zoom zoom…

Out of the rubble of daily life as we knew it, something new is emerging. In my former life as a techie, I spent about twenty years off and on, working and managing technical writing projects online. Most of that time I was at AT&T, a place you'd expect to support remote work, given that… Continue reading Zoom zoom zoom…

Ephemera

As I listen to the Adagio in D Minor from Mozart's clarinet concerto, it moves me to tears. That hasn't happened before. Before my life unraveled, listening to Mozart's nearly perfect, smooth melody, I couldn't imagine how the music could affect me more. The family I once had is no more. My wife of fifty… Continue reading Ephemera

The Chief Justice’s Nephew

I met Larry at the office, at Control Data where we both worked. I don't remember the exact circumstances. Youthful, clean-cut, pin-striped, and moustached, Larry represented the very image of corporate marketing and sales—exactly where he worked at CDC, and somewhat the opposite of my bearded and shabby self. I do remember one of the… Continue reading The Chief Justice’s Nephew

On Grief

A friend's husband died early this morning from dementia. It's not sudden or unexpected. In our adult years, the death of a friend, or an acquaintance, or a loved family member often comes out of nowhere. Dementia is slow death, giving you plenty of time to imagine how it will happen. I've had both experiences.… Continue reading On Grief

The media

The news services still exist, all over the world, primarily dedicated to reporting on events, exposing corruption where it occurs (even in media organizations), and unmasking official falsehoods. They raise a voice against officialdom, when the official story runs away from the truth. They have the power to speak for people whose voices are ignored… Continue reading The media

Against the Wind

... happens to be the title of a favorite song of mine by Bob Seger. Relevance? Well, this is the slack time after finishing the umpty-umpth draft of my book and starting to flog it to agents, et al. So I read through Writer's Market, books about agents, books by agents, blogs by agents, emails… Continue reading Against the Wind

Revelation?

Yesterday, a friend died of cancer in the afternoon. In the evening I started playing Mozart's Requiem to reflect on it, and as I heard the Introitus something happened. Most of my life I have been a firm skeptic, a rationalist, a nonbeliever in transcendental realities. I felt that and asserted it. In one moment, the… Continue reading Revelation?

Wanted: Readers

Everything is locked down, I don't go anywhere to write about, nobody visits, and so on. Boring. True, but necessary, right? What does that facilitate? Writing and editing. Been doing that. A lot. Now, however, I've officially run out of writing and editing to do. It's done. The book, a.k.a. Incorrigible, a.k.a. Mirror Lake, emerged… Continue reading Wanted: Readers

Choices

A young friend of mine—not so young, really, he's in his 50s by now—recently raised a question in one of his posts about the pandemic: "Consider the tragic fact that some, perhaps the larger percentage, of the Covid-19 deaths, took ZERO responsibility for their own health and well-being during their lives. There are always convenient… Continue reading Choices

Reflection

Now I am in the final stage of editing the story of my life before I begin to submit it for publication. This process provides me with the material for extensive reflection on it, and the opportunity to find the truth in what I thought was happening, examined from a distant perspective. It is the… Continue reading Reflection

Living in Isolation

While I was caring for Diane, I spent six years gradually disconnecting from the world. More and more of our time passed inside the house, the daily life of a caregiver and his charge. As her life narrowed, so mine did also. At the end, she lived in one room, confined to a hospital bed,… Continue reading Living in Isolation

Love in the Time of Virulence

In December, no one outside of China or the CIA knew what was brewing. I ventured north to Bethlehem, Pennsylvania for a cross-country race. I made a wrong turn on the course and got disqualified. My reward for the trip was helping my club with logistics ... and muddy shoes. The next day I met… Continue reading Love in the Time of Virulence

Isolation and Travel

Traveling is an invigorating tonic. I'm fixing toast in the kitchen when suddenly, in my mind I am driving down a remote road in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, as I did last fall. I see the trees rushing past, I hear the wind rocking my camper, and I feel as if I'm there. The memories take… Continue reading Isolation and Travel

Healing Voices (2 of 2)

He stared out the window at a black December sky, and watched rain swirl down onto roofs below, run in streams into choked gutters and spill over in sheets to the sidewalk below, backlit by the city lights, its shimmering reflections the only visual relief from dark night. How easy it would be, to give… Continue reading Healing Voices (2 of 2)

Healing Voices (1 of 2)

The New Jersey Theatre Alliance partners with several of its member theatres each year to produce Healing Voices: Caregivers' Stories On Stage, a presentation of playwriting, poetry, and prose that portrays the experience of caregivers—people who devote their time, resources, energy, and love to care for others who suffer from debilitating illness. Often their experiences… Continue reading Healing Voices (1 of 2)

Snow sport

How many adrenaline sports can a man in his seventies engage in? Tennis? I barely know which end of a racket to hold. Whitewater kayaking? Maybe, when it's springtime. Paintball? Come on. Skydiving? Right. If I keep my helmet on and don't fall out of the chairlift, at worst I might break a leg skiing.… Continue reading Snow sport

Dreams of Summer

Fort Wilkins State Park, Michigan A long, long time ago it seems, I dimly remember gliding in my kayak across a mirror-smooth lake at sunset. I arrived in Michigan's Upper Peninsula in mid-September, just as that northern land began its transition to Fall. That trip began in August, near the southern end of Michigan's western… Continue reading Dreams of Summer

I still have a dream

The words of Martin Luther King, in his famous speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial (listen here) ring out from the past to inspire us. We can't let the antics of a petty and destructive would-be tyrant cloud our vision of the future. As Abraham Lincoln said: "It is rather for us to… Continue reading I still have a dream

Summer Vacation —1

I don't usually jump into a road trip of  unknown duration and a couple thousand miles with a woman I barely know. Well, never until last summer. Since my wife died, that's how life has gone. Gradually, over a span of ten years, my old life dwindled and shrank, until its desiccated husk blew away, gone… Continue reading Summer Vacation —1

Slow Dancing with a Stranger

I have just begun reading a book by Meryl Comer about her life caring for her husband, who had early-onset Alzheimer's disease. It offers an intimate look at the process of discovery of the disease, its progress toward dementia, and the life of caregiving. It is heartbreaking and informative. I have not finished it yet,… Continue reading Slow Dancing with a Stranger

On Writing

Everyone says Stephen King's book On Writing is the best book about writing there is. To be honest, I was a bit skeptical. Why? Because I don't especially like his horror books. They are fantastic, far-fetched, and the characters are a little on the comic book side. That said, it's typical for the genre. And… Continue reading On Writing

Both Sides Now

I lived through the experiences with Diane, and saw my side of the story at the time, at least as much of it as I could accept. But going back through her journals I realize I did not understand the whole story. Reading her words, I see her side. Revisiting those years, those events, and… Continue reading Both Sides Now

Too Disruptive?

Students swarm field at Harvard-Yale football game, chant ‘OK boomer’ in climate change protest BRAVO!I have seen and heard this all before, in 1964 in Berkeley.Let the unthinking establishmentarians bitch all they want about disruptive tactics, while I quote the most famous speech of the Free Speech Movement: "There's a time when the operation of… Continue reading Too Disruptive?

Why Us?

Why did we stay together in the face of conflict? No simple answer comes to mind. We both were loners, outsiders in most situations, and exceptionally intelligent. Once, Diane’s first love Bob told her years afterward, “You were too smart for me. We'd have ended up killing each other.” Diane’s life experience kept her from… Continue reading Why Us?

Alaska

Alaska—remote, mystical wilderness—home to glaciers, caribou, brown bears, dogsleds, Inuit people… Diane and I both felt the magnetic pull of that place. In Seattle, we read descriptions of our city as the jumping-off point to the Alaska wilderness, and we felt we were almost there. One Fall morning, we watched a newly-launched crab boat depart… Continue reading Alaska

On the Road in Michigan

Heading south from Copper Harbor, Michigan, I stopped in hazy afternoon sunlight in a small town near Ironwood. I walked Heidi, as I do whenever I stop, then moseyed over to a one-calendar hole-in-the-wall bakery and coffee shop (William Least Heat Moon in Blue Highways invented the calendar rating system for small town cafes), where… Continue reading On the Road in Michigan

Re-Westernization

I'm going to reach back into the past here, to provide some context. Now, bear in mind I was born in Washington state, and grew up in California. That's as West as it gets, not counting Hawaii and Alaska. But I didn't strongly identify with the West after moving to New Jersey, although I did… Continue reading Re-Westernization

Rewrite

I have deliberately stayed away from my latest draft, letting life percolate through my awareness. A few people have given me cogent comments about it, and I have digested them in preparation for the next rewrite. Today I begin. The first step is to go through every paragraph, tagging each one according to what event… Continue reading Rewrite

Longmire

I've been reading a series of books by Craig Johnson called the Walt Longmire mysteries. It's part of my process for approaching the next big revision of my manuscript. Johnson is an excellent writer, a compelling story teller, and very successful as a result. A friend tipped me off about the books, and since I… Continue reading Longmire

How many…

Because we don't know when we will die We get to thinking of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet, everything happens only a certain number of times and a very small number really... How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood that's so deeply a part of your being that… Continue reading How many…

The first three states are the hardest

Traveling west  through Pennsylvania ranks low on my list of favorites. Three hundred plus miles of PA Turnpike or Interstate 80 gets you across the Ohio border, rattled by potholes, hundreds of passing tractor-trailers,  narrow defiles created by construction projects, and various other obstacles. Having endured this gauntlet several times, each new iteration finds me… Continue reading The first three states are the hardest

A New Journey

More than a year has passed since I returned home from the trip to scatter Diane's ashes at Mirror Lake, then began writing the story of our life together. That trip defined the end of my former life. I have begun a new journey. This time I share the camper only with Heidi. Plato is… Continue reading A New Journey

Will cancer haunt you forever?

Jennifer Palmer Enfield, ca. 1995 Yes. Like the ghosts in the closet or the ghouls under the bed at night in the dark during your childhood. Ever still wonder if you shouldn't look just to make sure? You will feel for a long time that cancer is ever presently luring. After an extended remission, you'll… Continue reading Will cancer haunt you forever?

Commitment

You might wonder why we stayed together in the face of such conflict and infidelity. No simple answer comes to mind. We both were loners, outsiders in most situations, and extremely intelligent. Diane’s life experience set her apart from those who had never faced so much difficulty. My own life was marked not by struggle… Continue reading Commitment

I Never Listen to Podcasts

Mike Allen, at online news site Axios, posts about "peak podcasts." Remember peak oil? He quotes Jennifer Miller in a New York Times article about the number of podcasts and how quickly they fade. The "frequency with which podcasts start (and then end, or 'podfade,' as it’s coming to be known in the trade) has… Continue reading I Never Listen to Podcasts

Neil Armstrong’s Spacesuit

I just heard a story on NPR about the space suit that Neil Armstrong wore on the moon. Never intended to last more than 6 months, the suit has lasted 50 years, although it has deteriorated. After some restoration, it is now back on the exhibit at the National Air and Space Museum. I want… Continue reading Neil Armstrong’s Spacesuit

Signs of dementia for family members to notice – The Washington Post

A brief discussion of behaviors that may indicate dementia, including fronto-temporal dementia and Alzheimer’s dementia. https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/well-that-was-a-weird-moment-and-other-signs-of-dementia-family-members-should-watch-for/2019/07/12/71fab37a-820c-11e9-bce7-40b4105f7ca0_story.html

Rebuilding my Life

Spend fifty years in close quarters with another person, sleeping together by night, cooperating, conflicting, cajoling, shouting, listening, working, and playing together by day, then one day they're gone. My whole life was built around Diane and us and our two daughters. It all collapsed. Sixty-five years of cigarette smoke and other excesses blew her… Continue reading Rebuilding my Life

Another day, another edit

At the start of this week I began yet another edit of the book to tighten up the story line, expunge more than a few awkward phrases, and generally improve a reader's experience. This time, I printed the whole draft so I could work with a pen and paper. Nothing clarifies errors like seeing them… Continue reading Another day, another edit

Hazy, hot, humid

August weather is typically hazy, hot, and humid in New Jersey. Thanks to global warming, we get it in July now. It makes running difficult, if not impossible. I thought by getting out earlier, with the temperature in the 70s, I could beat the heat. But I couldn't beat the humidity. In a 6-mile run… Continue reading Hazy, hot, humid

Steadfast and True

Each week I attend an Alzheimer's support group, along with about fifteen other spouses of husbands and wives with dementia. Many of us share the same stories. As new people come into the group, they ask the same questions we once asked, seeking advice and hope. We all learn eventually that the best we can… Continue reading Steadfast and True

Ultimate Zen

–Where are we? –Home. –No, where are we? –New Jersey. It's winter. –We might as well be in Minneapolis. This snippet of conversation took place almost daily. Living with no memory is the ultimate Zen. Diane was almost always in the present moment, for she had little recollection of anything else. If I reminded her… Continue reading Ultimate Zen

Door to Door

I passed an old man in his 80s or even his 90s, walking along the sidewalk in my neighborhood. He was dressed in tan slacks, a yellow dress shirt, and a tie. Over his shoulder he carried a small bag; maybe it contained Bibles, or samples, or goods to sell. In a split-second my mind… Continue reading Door to Door

Hello, World!

When I was learning to program computers, way, way back when things were very different, your very first program was called Hello World. If you succeeded, that phrase would display on whatever device you were using for your output: CRT, teletype, console, whatever. If I'm successful this time, Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn should all light… Continue reading Hello, World!

Dash to Home

Once we cleared Pine Ridge, we wanted to go home by the shortest route. A planned route through Minnesota and Wisconsin to see old friends was scrapped. We did not want another breakdown on the road. We took a quick side trip into Mitchell, South Dakota to pick up some cash at a credit union… Continue reading Dash to Home

Pine Ridge

I took few photos during our stay at Pine Ridge. I mostly spent the time observing and listening, because I did not want to impose my preconceptions on the experience in a way that would have interfered with understanding what I saw and heard. The act of composing a photograph requires forming an idea of… Continue reading Pine Ridge

Damned Transmission!

We spent a cool and restful night in the Bighorn Mountains, then descended the eastern slope towards Sheridan, Wyoming, where we restocked our food and propane, and more important, bought Western straw hats, de rigeur for summer in these parts. Our destination was Devil's Tower National Monument, not for any particular reason except that Jennifer… Continue reading Damned Transmission!

Wyoming

From Beartooth Pass to Cody, we passed some beautiful scenery. After we left Cody, we traveled through an arid plain between the Absaroka Range and the Bighorn Mountains. Our lunch stop On the Chief Joseph Scenic Byway, looking toward Yellowstone The Bighorn Mountains We climbed a steep grade from 6,000 feet up to the plateau… Continue reading Wyoming

Across the Divide

We pushed east along Interstate 90, enduring stretches of construction where the highway narrowed to one lane and the drivers behind us did not appreciate the pace I set. We took a cutoff toward Helena, Montana along U. S. Highway 12 and crossed the Continental Divide at McDonald Pass. There was no sign marking it,… Continue reading Across the Divide

Leaving the Coast

Eventually we left the Columbia Gorge, driving across flat, dry terrain in the rain shadow of the Cascade Range, to my aunt's home in Kennewick. She lives in a small, immaculate house on a golf course, and golfs regularly. She welcomed us into her home for an overnight stay, and filled us in on stories… Continue reading Leaving the Coast

Portlandia

We had a great visit with my niece Cheryl and her husband Doug in their Portland craftsman bungalow. Lauren wrote "Portland exceeded all my expectations. It was SUCH a delight to spend time with my cousin and her husband who have cut out a deeply pleasant existence In this great city. Had a hot soak… Continue reading Portlandia

Redwoods

Standing close to a giant redwood tree in Hendy Grove, I reached out to place my hand against the bark, trying to feel directly the continuity of life from ancient time into the future, as if to diminish my loss by joining the flow of life through that behemoth. Humboldt State Park redwood grove. Look… Continue reading Redwoods

Southern California

It's been very comforting to me to reconnect with family and to meet and get to know my Cousin Kim Giuffrida's beautiful, intelligent, poised and vivacious daughters. Having breakfast with them this morning was a delight, and reminds me that I still have living family. Back in LA. Yesterday was a looooong day. I have… Continue reading Southern California

Another Obstacle

Another snag overcome. The transmission in the camper failed just as we arrived in Chino Hills, so I rented an SUV to complete the trip to Mirror Lake while the camper is repaired. When I went to Enterprise to pick it up, I learned that someone broke into the car reserved for us, and instead… Continue reading Another Obstacle

Helios

Crescent Dunes Solar Energy Project is covered with more than 10,000 mirrors, each the size of a small house, that track the sun throughout the day and focus it on a receiver filled with molten salt. The salt, heated to almost 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit, stores the energy as heat, so it’s always ready when it’s… Continue reading Helios

The Desert Rocks Us

So we are in the middle of a completely wireless desert in the middle of a Navajo reservation, no towns, no gas stations, and a truck passes and kicks off a huge rock which smashes through our windshield directly in my dad's face, shattering glass over us both and all the way into the back… Continue reading The Desert Rocks Us

Rocky Mountain NP

The Trail Ridge Road in Rocky Mountain National Park goes above timberline for miles, up to 12,183 feet above sea level, through 8-foot deep snow banks and wide open expanses of arctic tundra, surrounded by snow capped peaks at the same elevation. Mind-blowing. To see that in the High Sierras, you have to walk many… Continue reading Rocky Mountain NP

Jacob

So that just happened. Dad and I left the interstate for US 30, the nation's first coast to coast highway, which his grandfather helped to build. I saw a cool rusted train stop, so hurriedly pulled over under an overpass. As I walked back toward my desired shot, I noticed a giant swirl, a cacophony… Continue reading Jacob